You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
