Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
