the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
