And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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