i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
