If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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