He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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