only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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