I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
