Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
