Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
