Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Who died my cat blue again?
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