I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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