oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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