One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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