I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
