I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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