just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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