do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Why can't burritos get me drunk
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
