I wish my penis had an off switch
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
