My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
