Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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