Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
