If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
