I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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