Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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