i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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