I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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