im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
