You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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