can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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