I can tuck mytits in my pants
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
