did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
