i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
