I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
