awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
It was confusing and full of hummus
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
