If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
