i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
