haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
