Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
