What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
