New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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