I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
