a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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