In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
It was confusing and full of hummus
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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