dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
