New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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