you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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