My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
