I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i out mim tonsoeep
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